Saturday, May 21, 2005

We know where you live

Speaking to a friend of mine she reminded me of something I'd written for her as laugh. Basiclly she was bored temping at some McJob, to help relieve the tedium she asked people she new to tell her what they got up to at the weekend. I'd done nothing particularly intresting so I thought I'd make something up instead....

On Saturday morning I was rudely awoken by a man swinging through my bedroom window, after a brief bout of fisticuffs (I'm not a morning person) I found out he was a Captain Tarquin Musclethawite of a special black-ops division of the TV Licensing Board. Apparently they had need of my special talents (I had no idea what these talents were supposed to be, but as I didn't have anything planned that day I thought I'd play along).

Without so much as a cup of tea I was hoisted up to the radar impenetrable TV Detector Saucer (they've moved on from the detector vans) and flown to an undisclosed location somewhere in London (I could tell you but I'd have to kill you) where we converged on a top secret terrorist hide out. It seems that not only were they planning to release a combined Ebola-anthrax virus onto the unsuspecting population of London but they hadn't paid their TV license for three years (the cads).

Kicking down the door we rushed in guns blazing, after a brief fire fight we realised we were in the wrong street. Apologising to the terrified residents I gave them the number of a good plasterer and we made a hasty retreat.

After Capt. Musclethawite consulted the map again (and someone turned it the right way up) we found the correct house and came in through the windows. The terrorists were all taken by completely by surprise as they were watching CD:UK and put up little resistance.

At this point we noticed the large ticking bomb that took up most of the living room. It was then I found out what my special talents were, I was apparently a retired top bomb disposal expert.

This was of course news to me and I explained this to the Captain. After quickly consulting his map again the Captain realised that he'd actually swung in the wrong window and should have gone next door (I'd always wondered what my neighbour, Brigadier Ian 'no arms, no legs' Mcginty, had done in the army).

Anyway the Captain quickly apologised for his error (it turns out he was colour blind dyslexic with two glass eyes and an old war injury that had left him with absolutley no sense of direction). Apologies over, we were however still left with the small problem of the unexploded bomb. Thinking quickly I traced the power lead to a plug socket behind the sofa and managed to unplug the bomb with seconds to spare.

After we'd all gone home to change our trousers I was invited over to see the queen where we had tea and biscuits and I was awarded a George Cross.

Now that was just Saturday, Sunday was a whole other story but that'll have to wait till another time.


Anonymous paul said...

Proof that the inside of your head is a very strange place indeed.....


9:27 pm, May 27, 2005  

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